After a recent and invigorating game of paintball, I had decided to further punish my poor body by finding an arcade in the area that had a Dance Dance Revolution machine.

Before I really get into this, let me say that I live in The Quad Cities. An otherwise average part of the Midwest, it’s also the home of more road construction than any city I’ve ever seen, even those with populations ranging in the millions. We’re on the Mississippi, and every single bridge across it is in some state of construction! This should give you some idea of the general level of idiocy around here, I hope I can move away before it infects me.

So there I was, flipping through the phone book, which doesn’t have a section on arcades, or video games, or coin-operation aside from a smattering of repair shops. No, here in the Quad Cities, arcades are apparently the wonderfully nebulous: entertainment. I guess there are only five entertaining places to go in the area, so I called every single one. Not one DDR machine. Nada. One of the bigger arcades didn’t even know what I was talking about. “What’s Dance Dance Revolution,” she asked. I tried explaining it, but all I got was the equivalent of a blank stare through the phone.

A quick search on Switchboard (which has an arcade section, I might add) told me that there were 54 arcades in the area. I don’t know what their radius was, but it turned up results for Coralville, a 60 minute drive from here. Want to guess how many were even within 50 miles of here? None. I knew the Quad Cities was a joyless mire engulfed by a desolate wasteland of corn fields, but this was a new low. Cedar rapids has many DDR machines. Iowa City does too. Des Moines? Check. Sioux City? Check. Hell, nearly every single suburb of Chicago has one.

Why not the Quad Cities? Well, apparently they don’t like money. Yes, while most businesses love nothing more than siphoning cash from unwary consumers, here in the Quad Cities, such activity is impressively passe. All you need to do is look at the glazed look in the eyes of most salespeople as they silently contemplate the meaning of … Whoh, is that a shiny thing?!

One of the reasons I colored my hair blue was to illicit some kind of reaction other than blank and empty looks everywhere I went. But even that didn’t work. It’s basically to the extent of, “Huh, a guy with blue hair. And look, a cellphone stand!” Yes, the lack of fun and excitement in the Quad Cities has invariably turned the entire area into a breeding grounds for mindless zombies, drudging their way through daily life.

Yes, this wonderful cluster(fuck) of cities has the highest number of zombies per capita than any other city in the country. What a claim to fame! For the few of us non-zombies huddling in our homes with old sardines tied around our heads to cover up the inviting odor of brain, there exists little else than plans to escape.

So a big Fuck You to the Quad Cities and their lack of DDR machines; a mere sign of far deeper and horribly disturbing trends. Before, I only wanted out of here because the weather sucked more ass than Richard Simmons, but now I see the truth of the matter. These crappy little towns trying to be a city can kiss my ass, while I find somewhere to live where the are actually public fucking sidewalks and crosswalks on all major intersections, and there’s a night life aside from a couple shady 24-hour restaurants and a bunch of bars.

Holy Fuck, this place is boring, steamy pile of elephant shit. No DDR? Fuck you Quad Cities. Fuck you right in the ear.

No DDR, Quad Cities? Fuck you!