What, you mean my housewarming was over on Monday and I’m just now doing the writeup? Quiet you! If I needed that kind of criticism, I’d raise Sam Kinison from the dead and ask him to insult me for an hour. Yes, I’m a lazy, dirty, and evil man – but be that as it may, the party was great!

It all started on Friday. I remember it all now. I was sitting in my comfy chair, resting from a long day of eating babies, when I realized I’d foolishly invited people to burn things at my house. Justin arrived before I could hide the bodies, so I stacked them like cord-wood to be added to the fire on Saturday. Rob arrived next, and immediately whipped out his computer, never to be heard from again. I tried getting his attention, but he wasn’t having any of it.

Saturday rolled around, and we went on a harrowing adventure that spanned space and time, gave us a better perspective on ourselves, and provided a great recipe for Baby Pot Pie. Since I don’t really have time to describe the years of exploration, peril, and cooking classes we experienced, I’ll just say that we ended up at the Hardees two blocks away from my house. Once there, we proceeded to to stuff ourselves like Ethiopians in a butter eating contest. Before we could finish gorging ourselves completely, Doug called and whined about being locked out of my house. Boo Hoo. Next time, you’ll bring a lock-picking kit, won’t you, buddy? Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny, too. I just stood in Hardee’s parking lot and imagined Doug as he pounded futilely on my door, crying bitter tears of angst and blubbering at poor Emily. But alas, it could not last forever, Jen and Justin grabbed me and roughly threw me into the trunk of her Ford Fuckus, where I silently endured the ride home while entertaining the small family of badgers that had taken up residence there.

I managed to convince Ryan to drop by around 5:30 while the rest of us watched Lain and readied the burnination. The fire began at 5:30, and by 6pm, it was worthy of setting other things on fire; bonus! Sylvia took a break from beating people up, and cooked hot dogs with everyone without setting herself on fire! Yay Sylvia! Later that night, Richard actually deigned to grace us with his presence for all of ten minutes before he left, and returned not fifteen minutes later with a pizza. “A pizza?!” we screamed, “What the hell is wrong with you!” But it didn’t matter, he simply folded multiple slices in half and swallowed them whole, before immolating a hot dog. Patrick came even later, and brought a dangerously large container of beer which I’m sure he managed to drink all by himself.

Speaking of drunken revelries, Jen found a great recipe on the web for party punch, a recipe that called for an entire bottle of Everclear. “Shit,” I thought to myself, “That’s gonna taste like ass!” But I was wrong! It tasted like slightly tangy lemonade! Scary shit. I think I drank almost all of it, though Jen helped a little. Toward the end of the night, I was careening into walls and small animals, so of course I figured it was time to play DDR! I managed to reach my living room without falling down the stairs, so I felt invincible and immediately started playing in Heavy mode. Ryan decided to play right along with me, and watched in mild amazement and horror as I nearly kept up with him while drunkenly staggering on top of the DDR pad. I even managed to get a B on So Deep, a song I can barely pass while sober. Eventually we had everyone playing DDR, from Patrick’s girlfriend Sara to Doug.

My mission to addict people to DDR accomplished, we decided it was time to watch a movie. I had just recently purchased this movie and this movie – guess which one we watched? Now, I’m not going to say House of 1000 Corpses is a terrible waste of film, but I’d rather use the DVD to slit my wrists than watch it again. About five minutes into the movie, I had a sinking feeling that can easily be compared to being covered in raw steak and locked in a room full of hungry wolverines. We all sat transfixed with incredulousness, each one of us thinking that it had to get better eventually. We were wrong, completely and utterly wrong. The worst part was that there were no quiet parts of the movie we could use to lampoon any of the scenes! Yes, that’s right, this movie is even lacking in any panning value; now that’s sad.

After subjecting ourselves to Rob Zombie’s idea of a horror movie, we decided to watch an episode of Ranma to clean our palates. The zany hijinks of Ranma save the day yet again!

I’d like to say Sunday was exciting, but all we really did is get some grub, take a trip down to Whitey’s and basically played DDR all day. Yes, that’s right, Justin, Doug, Emily, Jen and I all played DDR until about 9pm on Sunday. I have to say I truly have spread the joy of DDR to yet more hapless patsies. Justin did a really odd thing, too – he stayed the night, even though he had to work the next day, and lives about three hours away. What is that boy thinking anyway?

Early Monday morning, everyone woke up, said their goodbyes, and staggered to their cars for a long drive home. This certainly was more fun than I had expected! Three days of eating, drinking and being merry. I have to say that I’ll have to put something like this together again!

Well, that’s all for now, but you don’t really want to read any more of my rambling anyway, do you? I thought not. That would be like grinding hot glass into your eyes, and rolling around naked in a pile of angry fire-ants while simultaneously gargling Zima. So, I’ll leave you to whatever it is you’re doing for the rest of the day, while I play some more DDR. Ta-taa.

Aftermath Of The Burnination