What is it like to feel satisfaction and know true contentment? To let the world and its ills flow past, through, and beyond. To smile in the face of adversity, of pain, of loss. To have that strength, to embrace absolute insignificance, to reduce any problem to a shadow of nothing. To eschew derision, find compassion for the hateful, and love the enemy that inspires progression beyond simple reaction.
For years, I’ve felt on the verge of understanding the world–beyond the components that comprise the shapes and senses, past anthropomorphic callings of mental stimuli and instinctual urges. For a while, I felt I could almost engage an internal mechanism and let all my worries fall away, let wisdom consume the pettiness, fear, and rage I’d reveled in for time immemorial. But inherently, I knew I wasn’t ready. Being sarcastic was too enticing, comically exaggerating my ire to make a point, too successful. I wrapped myself purely in my intelligence and watched the world march on, even while enlightenment superimposed itself tantalizingly parallel to the culmination of everything I’ve sought–but that immeasurably small rift proved impossibly vast, beyond my reach because I deemed myself unfit.
Maybe I’ve read enough, or lived enough, or accepted enough to finally pull that switch. Recently I’ve been reading material written by the Dali Lama (more on that later) and once I’d discarded the unnecessary references to Buddhism, I found a lot I already agreed with, and concepts I could take further. So now I can officially announce a continuing series I’ll be calling “Question of Enlightenment.” Periodically I’ll discuss some discoveries I’ve made, or elucidate esoteric points of possible contention until the discordance subsides, but mostly I’ll be making amends.
I’ve known better, sometimes been called an old soul, and chosen to selfishly do nothing but wallow in the injustices of my past. I can help no one while secretly despising life so strongly it seems a curse or punishment instead of a blessing or opportunity. Wish me luck, and if you’re so inclined, share my journey.