Many fathers only want the best for their daughters: the most competitive colleges, the fanciest cars, a man that’s truly worthy of her attention. Jim Seymore, a local butcher, bemoans his daughter’s choice of a successful brain surgeon instead of a vampire in her search for love.
When interviewed about his unorthodox stance, Mr. Seymore explained. “It’s ridiculous!” he stated, nodding toward a small pile of Twilight books and True Blood DVDs on his coffee table. “They’re everywhere. They’re rich, powerful, immortal, and if you get the right kind, won’t even spontaneously combust in the sun! And the really good ones will wait until that special moment to share their gift and damn you to an afterlife invisible to the eyes of God for all eternity. She could have it all!”
Mr. Seymore continued listing several attributes he considered admirable, accentuating each by striking his couch with a tight fist. Their strength, he claims, makes them perfect protectors and providers for the long and lonely life his daughter would spend fleeing rival bloodlines and ambitious vampire hunters. He was adamant she not overlook the lower grocery bills inherent in living upon the blood of the innocent.
“And who wouldn’t want eternal beauty?” he asked, glancing at his own gray and wrinkled visage in a mirror above his unused fireplace.
The increased vulnerability to the sun elicited only a shrug from Mr. Seymore, as did the inevitable deluge of teen drama most girls strive to leave behind as they grow into women. “She’ll manage,” he suggests, countering that the overwhelming superiority of the vampire race would eventually lead to her success. We pointed out that several vampires spend decades jobless and feast only on the homeless, but Mr. Seymore would not be dissuaded. “Those are flukes. Vampires have far fewer losers than us crappy humans. Why did I get the only daughter that thinks even sparkley vampires are a stupid waste of time?”
In the end, Mr. Seymore retained his hope that his daughter Emily would realize a mere brain surgeon could never amount to anything, and set her sights higher. “What can I say?” he concluded. “My girl may not always get it right at first, but she always makes the correct decision when it matters.”
Mr. Seymore declined to comment on the Vampires Don’t Suck informational brochures he carefully slipped into an envelope bearing his daughter’s name.