Well I just discovered something pretty interesting while watching a conference talk from Christian A Stewart-Ferrer. He’s a psychologist that seems to specialize in autism-spectrum disorders, and he spent roughly three hours outlining tendencies and dispositions of people with Asperger Syndrome.
At one point, he said something almost out-of-hand about melatonin production and quickly moved on. I’ve known about my Asperger’s for over a decade now, but I never really did much research afterwards, and it turns out that was probably a mistake. Apparently there are numerous studies and meta-analyses that suggest deficiency in melatonin production that can at least be somewhat alleviated with supplementary melatonin.
Why does this matter? Because I’ve never been able to sleep easily for as long as I can remember. Full day of playing outside as a kid? Can’t sleep. Kindergarten nap times? Forget it. I’m still convinced the other kids were just laying down and being quiet while not really sleeping. Winter, Summer, Spring, or Fall, no distribution of light made any difference.
I strongly recall either sleepovers or nights at a babysitter and listening to everyone’s breathing change as they fell asleep, while I simply lay there with my eyes closed waiting for my turn. One specific night I remember being told my mom would be picking me up soon if I just lay down and closed my eyes for a while. So I closed my eyes and waited, increasingly bored out of my mind. At the time I didn’t understand that the babysitter expected me to fall asleep, and most children probably would have.
About the only time I was capable of nodding off was before my heart surgery when my oxygen stats slipped so low that I blacked out. Little did I know that I merely needed melatonin. Decades of this, all because research in the area was—and still is, to an extent—in its infancy.
In my defense, I did try to use Melatonin once or twice in my 30s, but the studies suggest amounts of 500ug to 1mg rather than the vastly excessive 3-10mg normally available, and that best absorption is sublingual. Maybe if I knew I’ve been under-producing melatonin for essentially my entire life, I may have tried harder to make it work.
I’m glad at least that I stumbled upon the right solution one way or the other. I’ve been taking 1mg of melatonin about 1 hour before bed and I do seem to fall asleep easier than I recall in my past. I still have to find a way to fix the damage done by the Lexapro, but one thing at a time.
In late August 1999, a long-haired calico known only as “Mama kitty” due to her
numerous pregnancies gave birth to a litter of kittens in a garage on a farm
somewhere in Iowa. Winter came early that year and was not kind. The kittens
quickly succumbed to upper respiratory infections that eventually spread to
their sinuses and eyes, sealing them shut behind a wall of crust. They all
needed to see a vet, and fast.
I don’t remember how many actually survived, but it was at least three. I know
all of this because I had only recently graduated college and that farm just
happened to be the childhood home of my girlfriend at the time. I was visiting
for Thanksgiving and got to keep one of the kittens as an early Christmas
present. I named her Luna after a character in Lunar, Silver Star
captured my heart during the playthrough.
Luna’s persistent weepy eye was the only reminder of her early brush with
death. Beyond that she was a healthy and vibrant kitten who delighted in
keeping me awake by yelling in my ear and licking my face. Soon after taking
her home, I moved into an apartment in Lisbon set above some shops on the main
street there. It was a sprawling cavern with a galley kitchen and nearby
bathroom, bookended by a master bedroom and the living room with a side room
All of that room for a tiny little kitten, and she managed to strand herself in
the top shelf of my closet by climbing up my graduation gown on her first day
left alone. Her tiny cries for help were the first thing I heard when I got
home. Not too much longer after that, she took after her mother and started
going into heat when she was barely eight months old. I could have sworn that I
had at least a few more months before it was necessary, I rushed her to the vet
to have her spayed anyway.
And then? She was a cat and did cat things. I lived in a lot of apartments
where I didn’t think it was safe to let her outside, but she made the best of
it anyway. Eventually she grew up into an exuberant and extremely fluffy
testament to her species. And much playtime was had.
Luna inherited several attributes from her mother that made her one of the most
adorable creatures I’d ever encountered:
She was ridiculously fluffy, with a mane and tail that belonged to a Maine Coon
She enjoyed, and even demanded belly rubs
She was a lap-cat through and through
She loved and trusted me implicitly
Sometimes she performed several of these feats simultaneously.
Eventually I moved into a house where she could “spread her wings” so to
speak. It was a raised ranch set in a wooded enclave complete with fire-pit and
deck. The house itself was probably smaller than my first apartment, but it was
mine, and also hers.
I never begrudged her trips outside, and she knew to jump into the deck window
to alert me that it was time to come back in. I certainly enjoyed that more
than my childhood cat which jumped onto the screen door instead. Still, the
veritable forest in my back yard was like a wonderland to her. It wasn’t
uncommon for me to look outside and see her running head-first down a tree
either chasing something or just stretching her legs. Even the rain wasn’t
enough to dissuade her on occasion.
I don’t have a lot of pictures of this since my only camera was a “modern”
Kodak DC240; digital or not, it wasn’t exactly as convenient or ubiquitous
as a camera phone. It was still only 2004 after all. I regret both that, and
the fact I moved away from that house given how much Luna enjoyed it. She’s
been cooped up in Chicago and suburb apartments or homes ever since.
This is probably for the best in any case. In early 2008, Luna revealed she had
a heart problem not uncommon in cats. I
was actually ready to say goodbye to her even way back then, given such a
diagnosis usually brought death within a year. But she took well to the
appetite stimulants and heart medications and eventually got better.
This isn’t to say that she fully recovered though. It was pretty obvious that
she’d lost something in the exchange. She’d grown thinner, weaker, and less
active, and started matting more frequently. But she was still Luna, and still
sat on my lap while I messed with my computer or read a book.
And then time passed as it always does, and Luna continued to defy the odds.
One year post diagnosis became two, and then three. By the time we moved to a
sleepy college town it was already 2012 and I’d long since stopped worrying
about Luna’s health. Instead, it was time to consider her age.
She was 13 by then, and she’d long lost her ability to jump to 5-foot-high
window ledges. When we first moved into the house, we stayed at a nearby hotel
for the night so the moving truck could deliver everything the next day. When
we returned that morning, she’d somehow gotten onto the kitchen counter and was
yelling for our aid. We still don’t know how she got there, but it was an
isolated incident she never repeated. Instead, it was time to live the easy
Time marched on and the combination of her age and heart problems gave way to
some kind of seizure disorder. Though she always recovered from these
once-a-month bouts, each one left her weaker, stiffer, and tangibly older than
the last. Despite all of this, she was still my Luna. Still demanding my lap
any time I was sitting down, still coming to bed and resting between me and my
book before I went to sleep, still standing tall when she wanted to.
But it also became increasingly obvious she was winding down. She was starting
to walk with her feet turned out and disliked having her hips handled, two
sure signs of arthritis. The seizures were lasting longer. Her sleeping more
frequent. Eventually even ascending the couch or bed became too difficult
at times, so we placed a wooden footstool nearby so she could always be with
us. Surely her time was coming soon?
Instead, she’d reached some kind of fragile equilibrium. Her decline continued,
but she maintained her trips around the large ranch home. From the giant
LoveSac in the rec room to our bedroom on the complete opposite side of the
house, there was no nook, cranny, or hamper she didn’t impose herself upon. She
pawed at our legs for attention even then, insisting we never forget she was
there before Salem and Lorelei in 2014, and Ash in 2017. My lap was hers, and
And then Jen got a job in 2019 at a university further downstate in
anticipation of finishing her doctorate, so we moved for the first time in
seven years, Luna still in tow. By now Luna was extremely thin and her fur was
starting to look ratty and uneven no matter how often I combed her. Though she
still followed me around the house and imposed herself upon my lap, we’d
started feeding her wet food. It was the only thing she would consistently eat,
and she needed to maintain her strength. I’m pretty sure Fancy Feast Savory
Centers saved her life for at least the last two years.
And then some time in 2020, it became blatantly obvious that Luna had dementia.
Instead of following me around the house, she was set in a kind of pattern. She
would go to a room where I was supposed to be, and if I wasn’t there, she would
yell at the top of her lungs in distress until I showed up to calm her.
Sometimes I just hadn’t gotten to my office yet, or was late going to bed;
she’d yell all the same.
When winter arrived, she began to actually prefer the furnace registers to my
lap, pressing her whole body flat into it for hours. A cat that old should be
under as little stress as possible, so I ordered a cat bed heated by a small
coil similar to a heated blanket. While Ash was the first to try it out, once
I let it reach operating temperature and introduced Luna to the warmth, she
And then Luna began to die. It’s much easier to see in retrospect, but it was
as if the warmth of the bed finally allowed her to succumb to the years and
rest comfortably. She ate less, sat on my lap less frequently, and stopped
coming to bed to say goodnight in her special way. Eventually she only left
to eat and use a litter box.
When Jen found her gently swaying next to the fridge one afternoon, it was
obvious something was wrong. Her nearby food was untouched and she yelled when
I tried to pick her up. Eventually I managed to move her to her bed again,
but her breathing was hard and fast. I brought her to the vet the next morning
under the assumption I would be putting her to sleep. Despite her survival
nature, she was too old to weather a true health crisis.
The vet convinced me to give her one more chance since this could be transient,
and how could I refuse? So Luna received a two-week bolus of steroids to try
and encourage her appetite and maybe give her enough strength to defy the odds
once again. And for the rest of that day, things had improved somewhat. She
insisted on spending the rest of the day in my lap, and purred for most of it.
She happily chirped random meows that sounded encouraging. Then she went to her bed
for the night, and never really left again.
I think that was her goodbye; the last burst of energy the dying often have
when the end is truly near. I moved a water bowl one foot away from the bed,
and a food dish two feet. While she licked the food listlessly once or twice,
she never actually ate. She barely drank. And from Friday to Monday morning, I don’t
think she visited the litter box one single time. I could see how every breath
wracked her whole body, and picking her up to comfort her promptly resulted in
It hurt so much seeing her like that. I called the vet again Monday morning and
explained the situation. This time there was no argument; Luna deserved a
second chance, but it simply wasn’t enough. At twenty-one and a half, she was
about 102 in cat years, and sometimes you just die of old age. She spent her
last few hours in my lap, and then at 5pm, she went to sleep one last time
while I stroked her. I had the vet take a clay casting of her paw, and gave her
a few quick pets before leaving.
I honestly don’t remember the last time I cried—even thought myself incapable
at this point—but I did after we left. I’m even having a bit of trouble
writing this through tears, trying to do her life justice and missing her at
the same time. After 21 years, she was my daughter; old enough to have finished
college and vote. Old enough that I knew it was inevitable. Yet I’ll miss her
She was the cat that would lay on her back for the full extent of my arm while
I held her aloft and rubbed her belly. She was the cat that navigated the
wooden rafters in our townhouse even though she was 11. She was the cat that
never bit or scratched me and purred seemingly without end. She was the cat
that defied the odds so often, I almost thought she’d tricked death into
forgetting about her. She was the cat that loved me above all else.
She was the cat that never left my side until she had absolutely no choice.
And she’s the cat that has left my life, but will never leave my heart.
I hope you can finally rest, Luna. You’ve earned it many times over.
Luna’s health doesn’t seem to be improving after her visit to the vet. If anything, she has gotten markedly worse. While the steroids did increase her appetite for the first day, she continued to weaken further over the weekend. Whatever benefit the steroids initially provided has been overwhelmed by her steadily waning constitution. It’s all she can do to walk two feet from her heated bed, so I’ve provided her with a bowl of water and a tray of food she won’t (or can’t) eat.
So sadly, I’ve called the vet this morning to have Luna put to sleep late today. I love that cat too much to watch her suffer; starving, laboring to breath, collapsed on the floor because she can no longer walk. I feel terrible she’s had to endure this long, and I want to minimize that as much as possible.
Twenty-one years is a long time for a cat to live, and if I’m being honest with myself, she wasn’t even really “all there” for the last year or so. But despite being a bit slow to move, she still got around the house OK. The heated bed really was the last sign, though. Once she started spending all of her time there, it’s as if she was using it for some long-needed relief. I suspect that maybe her arthritis was bothering her more than she was letting on.
Regardless, it’s time for her to rest. I’ve literally had this cat for half of my life, which is saying something at 43. She’s earned a break after all of that. Given that she went into heart failure back in 2008, she’s been a remarkable survivor until now.
Two days ago, Luna’s health seems to have started rapidly declining. Jen noticed that she was standing next to the refrigerator and gently swaying for over an hour, and when I tried to pick her up, she yelled and bit me. I couldn’t tell if it was from pain or confusion, but I was being extremely delicate given that I know how old she is.
Even after that episode abated, she seemed unable to really walk. After a few steps, she flattens herself on the ground completely, as if she’s resting or simply too weak to continue. Given this was the case, I put her in my lap for the remainder of the day, and she never wandered away when I got up to leave my office. When the work day was finally done, she hid in Jen’s office behind a stack of books for the rest of the night. Salem even settled down nearby and kept watch over her until morning.
So I called our vet, concerned that she was finally on her way out after 21 and a half years. After seeing her, the vet told me a few things I already knew. Luna is too skinny because she doesn’t eat enough. She holds her head at a tilt most of the time, but the reason could be related to fluids under her eardrums or a tumor. But the vet thought that maybe some steroids could fix both of these problems, or at least give her one last chance to come out of the nosedive. So she gave Luna a two-week bolus of steroids, some fluid under her skin which I initially mistook for a cyst, and sent her back to me.
Luna was definitely hungry when she got back. She even started eating a hardened chunk of wet food she found under the dish while I was cleaning and filling it with a fresh can. But that hasn’t endured long-term. She didn’t eat once that can was gone and replaced with another later in the day, and despite giving her two different options this morning, both trays sit unmolested. Even if she had finished both cans, that’s not enough nourishment given she’s so scrawny now.
Still, she deserved the chance. There’s no reason to jump straight to putting her to sleep unless her quality of life has degraded to the point where she’s suffering. The vet said she didn’t seem to be in pain, and she still enjoys her long rests in my lap, so I’d like to continue those until she’s ready to let go.
Not too long ago, I bought a heated cat bed for Luna. Her age is really starting to show these days, and she can barely get around as much. We noticed that she was sleeping near the heating vents in the house, basically flattening her whole body against them.
Not only does she love the new bed, she hardly ever leaves it. She gets out occasionally if she’s too warm, and lays down literally one foot away next to the cold air return grate. I’m glad she likes it, and I feel better knowing that if she is starting to wind down toward the end, she’s comfortable.
All the cats have had their dental appointments for the year except for Luna, since she’s basically too old to go under general anesthesia safely. That set us back a cool grand, but at least all the cats will have healthy teeth. This is another reason we don’t have more than four cats; vet appointments and general upkeep aren’t exactly free.
What I’m really waiting for though is Everspace 2. I have a policy of never buying anything that’s in Early Access, but the YouTube previous I’ve seen of it thus far make it look just about perfect. It’s not the rogue-like (not my favorite genre) that was Everspace, so I’m hoping it lives up to the hype.
In Keyboard news, I’m going to be buying some Sorbothane to sound-dampen my keyboard a bit. I’ve been seeking new key caps, but finding double-shot PBT Cherry profile backlit keys is surprisingly difficult. The shorter body of Cherry profile caps should decrease the key to frame resonance, and combined with making the keyboard less hollow, should quiet things down substantially. I’m not ready to give up on my GMMK just yet!