Bailout Bonanza!

Hey Congress? Fuck every last one of you worthless shit-eating cock-mongers and the crippled, tumor-riddled horse you raped to the tune of Let the Good Times Roll while simultaneously flipping off a bus of nuns with a composite hand constructed entirely from freshly butchered kitten heads.

What, the $25-billion you gave to the failing auto giants wasn’t good enough? Somehow the $700-billion bloated with an additional $110-billion in tax breaks, racetracks, wooden arrows, rum, and other miscellaneous detritus is more palatable than one lacking these accouterments? And why don’t you, for at least one femtosecond, consider the message conveyed by passing such legislation. What, no imagination, you slack-jawed mass of undulating rat carcasses? Let me illustrate:

Scenario 1: Meet the Bankers!

Banker 1: Hah! Can you believe these gullible fucks? They bought it!
Banker 2: Quite! Please hand me another $100-bill, I need to light my cigar.
Banker 1: Sure thing!
Banker 2: Well, as I was about to say, if hundreds of economists including that fucking turncoat Joseph Stiglitz couldn’t stop it, nothing will. Hell, most senators even admitted a 10-to-1 ratio for voters against the bill. It’s beautiful!
Banker 1: Indeed! Fuck Stiglitz and his Economic Nobel Prize! If he’s so smart, why is it we’ve duped the House and Senate into doing our bidding?
Banker 2: But of course! Now we have absolute mandate to risky, slipshod investments! They’ll “rescue” us every time!
Banker 1: Bully!
Banker 2: Bully!

Scenario 2: Big and Beautiful!

CEO: Could you send each of our lobbyists another gold-plated Lamborghini, please?
CFO: Of course! Not providing expensive luxury Italian cars to our hard working lobbyists would be downright Unamerican!
CEO: That was a close one, though! We almost had to change our business practices and compete in the marketplace! I feel dirty even thinking about it.
CFO: I’m so glad this housing crash happened during a voting year! Could you imagine the carnage if nobody was worried about being reelected by panicked voters?
CEO: Luck? You are a riot!
CFO: Hah! Yeah, but I almost had ya. I tell ya though, fudging our finances until now was getting pretty difficult… I think I need a $500,000 per year raise.
CEO: Granted! Hell, I’ll give myself one too.

Maybe I’m wrong about all this… I guess it’s just natural to manipulate idiots to perform your bidding. So hey, you large conglomerates, apparently so fantastically immense as to command infinite incremental “investments” provided by the US Government by blackmailing it with economic turmoil for your own mistakes–kudos! And the best part is: not only are you being rewarded for being terrible at your job, you now have a gold seal of approval to continue, thereby guaranteeing future rewards! And I know you’re a narcissist, or possibly even a sociopath, so you feel absolutely no remorse over destroying the lives of millions, possibly billions of people over the course of a couple measly decades, so there’s no downside!

I’m apparently in the wrong business. Once they perfect that soul-extraction procedure with bonus conscience obliterating surgery, I’ll be right out there with you, raping the American taxpayer with the nine-inch anal dildo I purchased with his own money! Thank the Almighty that Congress–like a pulsating, sticky parasite, voraciously and ignorantly consuming its host unto death–only protects itself, or we’d be shit-outta-luck. Right guys?