Warning, this rant is brutal and not safe for 5-year-old girls.
I recently saw this video on temperature, and I have to agree: temperature can suck a bowl of maggots swimming in herpes-infested pus scabs. Especially winter. Fuck you, winter. So far, this particular winter is about as endearing as a festering rat carcass cellphone-cozy. February has been a blistering barrage of snowstorm warnings, wind-chill advisories, and apparently deadly fucking tornadoes. Are you kidding me?
It’s not like the average high for this time of year is 33-degrees; I’m plenty happy using my nipples to carve ice-sculptures in the inch-thick skating-rink that is the sidewalk because it’s been twenty-below for the last three testicle-shattering days. Which, of course, gets me in the mood for Valentine’s Day. Apparently being in love is equivalent to shivering to death with fucking hypothermia, because there had to be some reason the holiday straddles winter like a drunken coed at a stag party. “Hey, look at me! I’m having sex to keep warm! It must be love…” The next time I hear a religious overture decrying the sins of premarital sex, I’ll just have to reply with, “Fuck you! I’m doing this because a saint wants me to share body heat.”
And you have to share the precious waves of lifesaving heat from your own body, because walking outside is downright hazardous. After a double pounding of roughly two-feet of snow, separated by just enough warmth and sleet to transform all roads and sidewalks into Zamboni-magnet deathtraps, the likelihood of shattering an assortment of bones upon the unforgiving ground approaches 100%. Thank God for St. Valentine, so a passing amore will keep you warm until the paramedics arrive with sweet, sweet morphine.
Of course, that might not be necessary if humanity wasn’t a seething waste, incapable of common sense, humility, or charity. Clear sidewalks would render St. Valentine obsolete, but that’s obviously impossible, because property owners are dicks. Here is a list I have for property owners, in order of increasing responsibility they actually exercise toward maintaining their fucking property:
Diseased Rectal Cancer Fuck you, Diseased Rectal Cancer! I’ve never once seen you outside with a fucking snow-shovel, clearing the sidewalk. You’re an asshole.
Hitler Yeah, you thought it was all candyland and fucking sieg heil while you were busy ass-raping Europe, but as soon as winter arrives, you put all your flame-throwers and Jew ovens away and scamper–crying like a freshly slapped five-year-old–back to my pimp hand. Well your job isn’t fucking done yet nutlicker! Now go out and fucking shovel the driveway before somebody slips and fucking sues us.
Attila the Hun Look fuckhead, plowing through Asia in a war of visceral conquest is not doing your part. I understand rape and pillage is your idea of Shangri-La, but that won’t do you any fucking good if your heathen armies all bust their heads open because spiked cleats haven’t been invented yet. Put the God Damn peasent girl down for a fucking second and salt a couple streets along with the fields.
Municipalities For things that actually exist, the government is of course the worst at everything. Parks, recreation, public sidewalks–if these are not all completely iced-over in city-owned areas, that’s because Hell is also frozen solid. The same city that can’t bother to lift a finger to keep you from cracking your skull like a rotten cantaloupe will simultaneously deploy a staggering fleet of revenue generation parking enforcement and traffic cops, you know, to use your tax dollars wisely.
Banks / Developers You’re both pitiful excuses for parasite-infested excrement. It’s all fun and games cheating Stupid McDumbass into buying your properties, but when you’re stuck with land or a house, you’d rather it just burned the fuck down. I’m so glad all the abandoned and derelict shanties you advertise for sale aren’t maintained in any fashion, otherwise people might think you’re just in it for the obscenely large dump-trucks of cash.
Condos “Hey, look at me everybody! I charge gullible douchebags $200 per month to maintain the building and grounds, and instead spend it things such as: mah grill, mah truck, yo momma, Preparation H. Hire landscapers to spend a measly hour to prevent accidental death?! What, you think whippets are free?”
Private Homeowners It’s lazy couch-potato fucks like you that practically pave North America. When I owned a house, I was out there after every fucking snowstorm heaving snow like a truck until I had to remove my coat because I was sweating so much, all because I was too cheap to buy a snowblower. Yeah, that includes the entire 2-car driveway too, asshat. But you? I know you own a snowblower, you infected gonad wart. It’s nice to walk past fifteen houses, each with a solid inch-thick layer of black ice over the sidewalk, because you’re too busy whacking off over internet porn to do your civic duty. Next time I pass your house, I’m shoveling and salting your lawn.
Apartment Complexes If I fucking fall down because you were too busy not fixing the plumbing, or not fixing the bad wiring, or not fixing the heat, or otherwise using my rent money on illicit cockfights, I’ll dig the rusty shovel you should have used, but instead hid behind the shitty landscaping, and fucking beat you to death with it. Yet, sadly, you are the only motherfuckers who at least consistently do something to the sidewalk other than watch it grow.
What makes it worse, is that this winter won’t fucking end! February has been a whole winter all by itself. I fully expect to be wearing three layers come June, possibly accompanied by a St. Bernard I can send for help after I spill half my brains on the corner of Main and Elmwood thanks to the DINKs in the yellow Victorian chugging appletinis while watching their snowblower rust. I fucking hate being cold, more than being doped up with phenobarbital and being forced to juggle hedgehogs and running chainsaws while simultaneously losing a UFC match. This winter can drink a noxious sludge of sewer refuse, toxic waste, and filthy hypodermic needles recently withdrawn from AIDS patients fed on a strict diet of peppermint Schnapps and fried slugs. In fact, it can have two.