Morons on the Internet: Hilarity Ensues

Well it turns out I found a couple forums discussing the same thing as my rant from yesterday with one major difference: the forum is apparently frequented by morons. Granted, these particular unabashed cretins are capable of utilizing a computer, but its clear these computers were manufactured by Fisher Price, and are likely caked in drool and feces. It’s time to put the internet to its actual purpose! Do you know what that is? Porn? Perish the thought. Videos? Games? Facebook? Sorry Bub. The real purpose of the internet is to shamelessly taunt and belittle other people on the internet. Since this is me, and I pride myself on being unnecessarily mean-spirited for no apparent reason just for the entertainment value. Let’s see just what my esteemed cohorts over at the Topix Forums are mindlessly babbling about, shall we?

Note: Names have been changed to protect the retarded, but they know who they are.

Concerned wrote:

Just a question, did you attend any of the informational meetings that were held in the community? You seem to be a liitle misinformed.

tea party wrote:


Holy fucking shit! You’re right! Fuck the kids, those teachers are obviously conspiring to save their jobs in one of the lowest paying districts in the state! They–quite indisputably–enjoy waking up at 5:30 a.m. for morning classes they aren’t paid for! Besides, everybody knows teachers spend most of their time picturing your children naked and imagining foolproof scenarios where they can molest them without getting caught! Why listen to these deranged malcontents at all?! In fact, what are we doing trusting our children to their care for several hours every day!? Are we insane? They’re probably indoctrinating our children this very second to become socialist baby-rapists just like them! OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE!?

Jesus breakdancing Christ, you worthlessly paranoid fuck. Why don’t you buy a cabin in Montana, stock it full of canned goods, and start digging a bomb shelter, already? Why not write a manifesto about how the third lowest taxes in the county are a communist plot to simultaneously mug you of valuables and corrupt your children? Quick! Go, before the government gets there!

average joe wrote:

this district has taken countless money from impact fees and taxes. for them too not see the need too put some of this money away for future use is reckless beyond words! i’m going to pay higher taxes for lack of forsight! i wish i could demand a raise from my boss everytime i screw up my future!

You apparently can’t read, but I won’t hold it against you. Your demonstrated disdain for education proves only that you dictated your forum entry to a homeless man whilst standing in a library, because you’re incapable of comprehending ideas more complicated than “The dog ran fast.” (OMG LIBRARIES COME FROM TAXES!) So I’ll put this in terms even you can understand.

  1. Taxes third lowest in Will county: OGG MOST FRUGAL IN VILLAGE! OGG GOOD!
  2. The state cut $2M from the budget: VILLAGE TOOK OGG BONE! OGG ANGRY!
  3. Teachers and administration are already some of the lowest paid in Northern Illinois: OGG POOR. OGG SAD!
  4. Even after the referendum, [REDACTED] would be among the lowest taxed: OGG NOT GREEDY! OGG BEGGING!
  5. Regardless, district 159 is one of the top performing in the state: OGG SMART! OGG TEACH GOOD!

So of course! Let’s punish one of the few frugal schools that turned to a referendum as a last resort, with utter disdain and contempt! How dare they save several million dollars over the years, and spend it in hopes funding will return before the supply is exhausted! Actually… no. You know what, Joe? You’re right. Schools clearly failed you, or you would have better grammar than an expired jar of mayonnaise. I’m sure OGG’s arguments were far too overwhelming for your over-stressed brain to absorb, so you’ve undoubtedly started watching Hee-Haw reruns instead. But be careful Joe, those folks is tee-vee actors, and everyone knows they’re a bunch of pinko commies that think they’re better than you.

Jane wrote:

Does anyone realize that there are approximately 140 homes in [REDACTED] that are vacant and forclosed on because of the economy. People cannot afford to live here anymore?? Does anyone also look around town at the amount of houses large and small that are currently for sale because people are trying to sell before being forclosed on?? Don’t get me wrong, I supoprt the schools, but the amount of the referendum and timing to ask for it was way off. Remember this is not happening due to the people who voted against it but the State of Illinois who is failing all of our schools including Lincolnway High School District.

Holy fucking shit! Is that… proper grammar and punctuation!? Well… no, but it’s some of the best I encountered while reading through that forum and trying not to pry my eyes out with a dull spatula. But we’ll ignore that, since I’d hate to be accused of ignoring the “content” of her post. And, really it’s too easy, because Jane was apparently living in a cave with OGG for the last two years, because she somehow missed the collapse of the housing market.

See, Jane… loan brokers started giving loans out like drugged candy to crack babies, and since more people could “afford” homes, that caused a false commodity and forced prices to rise far faster than inflation. This kept happening until prices were so inflated, nobody could afford them. But banks were smart, so they were selling these loans as packages to government backed Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac so they wouldn’t be there when the loan defaulted. Through all this, AIG and its ilk were basically selling bets that this market would not collapse, though it certainly would. It was a rather impressive house of cards, and someone forgot to bring glue, so housing prices collapsed at the same time sales dried up. Now people owe twice as much as the house is worth, so they’re walking away, causing further weakness in the market.

But oh, it doesn’t stop there, Jane. During the rise of the housing market, people were noticing that the value of their homes was rising faster than they were paying the loan. That meant they were gaining equity at breakneck pace, and some wondered if they could spend that money. The smart ones sold the house and pocketed the difference. Most just opened up an equity line and used the house as an ATM, buying all sorts of consumer goods, vacations, and luxuries they wouldn’t normally be able to afford. Now, what happens when housing prices stop going up? When consumers no longer have effectively infinite disposable income?

That’s right, Jane! They stop buying things. Or they continue, but use credit cards instead. Starved of customers, retail stores and restaurants begin to suffer, and some declare bankruptcy. This starts a chain reaction that ripples through the economy and drives up unemployment across all sectors, which causes sales to decline even further. All this because people stopped seeing their houses as places to live, but “investments” that could produce fast cash. The banks facilitated this, but it’s hardly completely their fault.

So no, Jane. The people are not losing their homes due to high taxes. The state and local governments are cutting back, actually. And cuts are warranted, but they, like everything, should be proportional. Cutting ten or twenty percent from District 159 would make sense, not fifty. When your budget goes from $3.8M to $1.9M, that difference needs to be made up somewhere. Since the state stopped paying, the local area needs to pick up the slack. That’s what anti big-government people want, isn’t it? More local control, less state and federal involvement? This school was doing the right thing, and they were punished for it, and may not recover at all.

So, congratulations. You contributed to hamstringing one of the top scoring, yet cheapest, elementary districts in the state. Yes, many districts have tons of overpaid administrators and could use some trimming, but for this particular set of schools in this particular situation, that’s not the case. And did you know Jane, that even after the increase, the district would still be among the cheapest in the county, if not the state of Illinois? Ah, well. It was a nice community while it lasted. Enjoy sending your kids to New Lenox.

See what I’m dealing with, folks? I know people on the internet are retarded. It’s a rule we all learn early in the game, if only to retain our own sanity. I’ve been doing it longer than most, and it’s the one universal that never deviates. Even if you’re capable of deciphering whatever some random fuck vomited onto your screen, you’re at a loss as to what deranged brain is capable of producing such drivel, let alone ascribing veracity to it. Even the “smart” ones are about as thoughtful as a ferret hopped up on cocaine.

And I won’t lie to you. I’ve been to the district 159 campus. To me, it looked like those buildings were constructed by the same contractors that build Best Buys and Costcos; huge warehouses with exposed steel supports and practically no finish. The classrooms were small, the lunchroom was oddly the central fixture for the building, and I could not escape the impression it was the cheapest thing they could acquire, short of a van down by the river. Staffed by some of the lowest paid teachers in the state, I’m amazed it does as well as the test-scores attest. But these are the “overspending tax-rich union cronies” [REDACTED] wants to punish.

There’s idiocy; ignorance; and mind-splitting, mouth-dropping, contemptuously aggressive irrationality. Most of the forum I linked trends toward the latter, and never really improves. Which is why I refused to sign up with the forum and speak to these morons, because that would wrongly give credence to their senseless babbling. Besides, this is the internet, and we all know: debating on the internet is like the Special Olympics; even if you win, you’re retarded. So I just make fun of these fine examples of upstanding citizens, because they’re demonstrably good for little else.

Until Tomorrow