A Serious Inquiry

Dear Freddy Krueger,

I have long enjoyed your work. Eviscerating children is also one of my favorite hobbies! I was wondering about the specifications you used for the glove blades, and the honing/stropping methods you used. All of the limb-gouging tools I create never quite seem sharp enough…

I know you have a busy schedule of invading dreams and terrifying occupants of Elm Street with a dizzying barrage of convoluted and psychologically unraveling horrors, but I’d greatly appreciate your input. My meat-hooks for example, can only penetrate two or three inches into the average teenage spinal-column, which makes it excessively difficult to suspend them over a boiling vat of human organs. I’m also unable to cause screaming faces to erupt from their viscera and suckle for hypodermics full of blended baby heads.

In any case, please know your countless hours tormenting innocent youth is not being overlooked!

Sincerely yours,

The Mangler

P.S. Love the sweater!