Please, take a look at: this crazy crap.

This song has what the DDR community commonly refers to as gallops. Not just any gallops, but 1/16th note gallops through the entirety of the song. For a minute and a half, a player has to somehow pound out nearly 500 steps - that’s over five steps per second. I’ve been playing for a while, as my overly large calves will attest, but I can barely keep up with this song in training mode at a speed setting of 1 out of 5. As a result of trying, my calf muscles now feel like the recipients of a healthy baseball bat massage.

The holidays have finally spent themselves in a turgid eruption of parties, family gatherings, and prodigious amounts of ruptured corpses littering the streets, hemorrhaging a chunky sludge of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and gravy. Though I did succumb temporarily to the sweet beckoning of various confectionery and caloric temptations, my unbreakable DDR addiction has kept everything under control.

A few years ago, an eccentric post graduate was mindlessly tossing four or five credit card applications, an entire newspaper worth of local fliers, and seven announcements that he’d already won a million dollars, into a precarious heap looming menacingly over the couch. The history of the internet was written that day, as he unwittingly sat down under the comfortable shade offered by the seemingly innocuous pile of otherwise useless envelopes and inky print stock, prompting a torrential cascade to wash over him.

Ah yes, I’m finally there. Great thanks to all those who helped me move! Now that I’ve found them, I’ll be writing thank-you cards ASAP. Now all I have to do is remodel the kitchen and bathroom, fix the heating vent in the master bedroom, and find some curtains that don’t look like ass. I think to help me in this endeavor, I’ll buy some home design software and spend some time tweaking this house to what it should be.

Aha! Closing day has come and gone. I was still sick on the 7th, so it was pretty irritating coughing while trying to sign all that crazy paperwork. They kept asking if they could get me something to drink. Grr. I still have a cough, but it’s going away slowly. I want to know what the hell I got, because it’s two weeks later and I’m just now getting over it. Sheesh.