There’s a bit of loneliness in the world, I think. But not the kind we’ve all come to recognize. Not the feeling that we are alone, unknowable, or otherwise separated from our peers. It’s something I never expected to encounter, and yet that’s exactly what makes it so penetrating. It’s a kind of emotional nostalgia, and the realization that the novelty of life itself is fleeting. I used to wonder what adults thought to themselves as they watched us play and grow, forever discovering, always surprised and delighted or perturbed.

Say hi to Princess Kittybutt. She’ll be our mascot (and subject) for today. We’ll get to her in a minute. When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything becomes a nail, right? With Postgres becoming more of an environment than simply a database engine, this colloquialism is starting to resemble reality. Of course, that’s not necessarily a bad thing! As Postgres accumulates copious and varied extensions, its role as an adaptive middleware solidifies.

It’s no surprise Postgres does more than merely store data; you can’t do everything with SQL. Often, it’s often more beneficial to process data locally without transmitting it to a client interface. Local manipulation can save hours in network traffic alone, let alone client-side allocation and per-row processing. Databases like Postgres are specifically for bulk data operations, so why not take advantage? But doing that requires functions—anonymous or otherwise—and a Turing-complete language to write them with.

All database engines, even Postgres, occasionally present a seemingly intractable problem that will drive everyone insane while attempting to isolate it. All it takes is the perfect storm of situational circumstances, and even a perfectly running stack of software will grind to a screeching halt. It’s situations like this that we must turn to various Postgres forensic tools to track down the issue before management starts firing people in frustration.

“Hey! That row shouldn’t be in that table! How the heck did that get there!? Alright, who wrote the application client filters, because you’re fired!” Good application developers know never to trust client input, but not all realize that a single app is rarely the only vector into a database. Databases don’t just preserve data with various levels of paranoia, they’re also the central nexus of a constellation of apps, scripts, APIs, GUIs, BMIs, HMOs, and STDs.