Clinton

I know a lot of people watched the election results in disbelief last night, or woke up this morning and thought something like this:

There’s a bit of sad truth there. But the real problem is how we reached the point where this was even possible. The amount of incredulity on display here is actually quite shocking to anyone that was paying attention. I knew Trump had some small chance given the political environment in America right now, yet I never thought he could actually win. The reason behind that misapprehension should shock some sense into every single one of us.

This Super Tuesday, it became readily apparent that Bernie Sanders and his unprecedented run were finally done for. So now that we’ve finally dispensed with the one candidate that genuinely cared, who remains? Donald Biff Tannen Trump, Ted Insane Zealot Cruz, and Hillary Nixon Clinton. Well, if those are my choices, then I may just vote Trump to finally burn the whole thing down, because we clearly deserve it.

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In 1981, Ronald Regan became the 40th president of the United States. His Vice President George H.W. Bush–who like all proper aristocracy named his son after himself, later inspiring George Forman to follow suit with all of his sons–discovered the greatest truth in all recorded history: Americans are incredibly stupid. With this knowledge in hand, he desperately sought to curtail America’s slide into debauchery, yet no answers to this most-terrifying of prospects presented itself. Poor George Sr. cried himself to sleep in his Scrooge McDuck-like money-bin for twelve long years as Vice President and President, shuddering in abject horror that he’d prove unable to stop the madness.