Dynastic Bombastic

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In 1981, Ronald Regan became the 40th president of the United States. His Vice President George H.W. Bush–who like all proper aristocracy named his son after himself, later inspiring George Forman to follow suit with all of his sons–discovered the greatest truth in all recorded history: Americans are incredibly stupid. With this knowledge in hand, he desperately sought to curtail America’s slide into debauchery, yet no answers to this most-terrifying of prospects presented itself. Poor George Sr. cried himself to sleep in his Scrooge McDuck-like money-bin for twelve long years as Vice President and President, shuddering in abject horror that he’d prove unable to stop the madness.

In 1992, Bill “Swingin’” Clinton delivered a stunning presidential defeat to the elder Bush, thereby ending any hope of saving America’s shaky future. Or had it? In the subsequent years, George Bush Sr. realized an important fact: Lincoln was wrong! A nation divided against itself can stand, like two 2x4s leaning against one another formed an upside-down V. Not only would a divided nation stand, it would be far stronger than a single nation standing alone in the mud, waiting for the wind to just knock it over. But there was a treacherous problem: political parties had potential, but in the long run, were not nearly polarizing enough. Worse still, political parties had nominations, often scrabbling for viable candidates who may not completely ascribe to the party platform, or could even try to change it!

Bush knew he had a perfect formula for transforming America into an eternal superpower, but feared the Republicans themselves would alter their God Given platform to garner votes. This would not do, and only proved his theory was correct. His plan, the right one, must persevere! During his convalescence, Bush Sr. came to know and understand the Clinton family, and in them he saw the perfect foil; the Clintons would become the Pepsi to his Coke. Two parties fostered turmoil, and one family would too obviously circumvent the intentions of the Constitution, but a dual Monarchy? Could he carefully construct a dynasty that would endure, just as the founding fathers had envisioned but failed to produce? Voting was obviously meant to choose between the aristocrat currently in favor, not encourage representing the whims of a flighty populace.

Luckily for him, his own son George W. Bush won the presidency in 2000. In the same year, Hillary Clinton proved her ambition by leveraging the Clinton name into a New York senate position, delivering the final piece to the brain-crushing problem of finding another Clinton to follow his son to the White House. Frantic, he carefully instructed his son to flummox every decision, ignore or outright flout the constitution at every step, even to make himself the most hated president of all generations. Bush Sr. wanted the country to hate his own child so much, it would even vote for a woman. With this retaliatory rage and the help of Bill Clinton, Hillary was almost ensured the Democratic nomination. By then, everyone knew it took a Clinton to clean up after a Bush.

By early 2008, most people under 30 weren’t even born without a Clinton or Bush in the White House. After decades of training to slavishly and unquestionably tout known and familiar corporate brands, ‘Bush’ and ‘Clinton’ became rallying cries. Soon, the people themselves clamored for a dual monarchy: Bush and Clinton Forever, they roared! Sure, there were other families, but none with the same name recognition, the same elite perfection, education, and grace. Finally, America knew its place and accepted governance by the aristocracy it needed, switching from one family to the next like clockwork come election time. George H.W. Bush finally brought the country together by tearing it apart.

Here’s to the Clinton and Bush families, may they rule with wisdom for many centuries to come!